1 word to use with kids to become an enlightened problem solving wizard

During my first few years teaching I kind of sucked at helping kids sort out problems on the playground or in the class. 

- I am not a parent.
- I don't spend much time around kids in my personal life.
- I am a peacemaker (text book type 9 in the enneagram personality test) and tend to avoid a lot of conflict in my own life.

I lack real life experience rationalizing with minds that can't handle syllogistic logic. 

I took a PD course through Drake University a few years back with Bill Pike that gave me one word that changed everything.

Choosing

Example time.

A few kids on the playground are arguing and one aggressively pushes the other. You swoop in as teachers do in this situation before it escalates.

Typical sentence stems for firing up a convo with the kid might be:

-  What do you think you are doing...
-  I just saw you....
-  (student name) What did do you think you are doing...
-  I don't believe what I just saw, you just pushed so and so
-  I don't like what I just saw...
- What did you just do to him?

Behind all of these sentences that we naturally defer to is an intention to ensure that we are protecting the kids involved (whole other issue for another time about rough housing, but for now let's just leave it at the school rules are no pushing and the kids just broke the rules of the school).

My mechanical and magical approach in these situations is:

In a firm, but non-aggressive voice say:

I saw you (state the behaviour objectively), why are you choosing to do that?

Small semantic shift from:
Why did you do that?

But the addition of the word choosing is literally like bestowing upon your words some kind of magical spell that instantly plunges a kid into a psychological re-examination of their entire existence and relationship to mind, matter and action.

Ok... maybe not quite like that, but....

The focus then becomes about the kid sharing the actual cause beneath the behaviour and a genuine conversation can take place, rather than one about laying blame or shaming a kid for their behaviour.

I have actually seen the sentence completely shift the kid's behaviour and attention instantly. 




My experience shows that one of two things happens when a kid is presented with explaining why they "chose" what they did.

1.) The child starts blaming others or the situation.

In this case simply restate the question again until their answer contains a piece of ownership for their behaviour. This often then leads to the second thing that I see.

ie. I understand that they called you a name, but why did you choose to shove them?

2.) The child goes quiet and says "I don't know". 

In this case, stick with them and give them some time to ponder it. Just restate the question, again and focus on asking them why they chose to do what they did instead of something else.

I have had to wait up to 4 minutes before, but the answers kids have given me have been golden.

Often, kids are just used to getting the sharp voice, harsh word,  the look etc. which at best makes them stop the behaviour or symptom. Providing a kid a chance to reflect not only shows them that they are actually making decisions about their behaviour and attitude constantly, but also shows them that they can choose something more resourceful.

Sometimes they go quiet because no one has ever pointed out that they are choosing behaviours... they just do them and had never noticed they are in control.

MIND IS BLOWN

Kids have spilled the beans with me before going right to the core saying "I guess I am afriad that no one will like me, so I would rather hurt someone instead so I can feel strong".

Let's be honest, how many adults could reflect and honestly share that?

Allowing a kid to share this at 8 years old might save thousands in therapy down the road, or a string of real crap relationships for themselves and others.

When this kind of insight comes to a kid I let them know that what they are thinking is OK and we all do things for reasons that we might not always be proud of.  We then discuss next time what could be done differently and what would help them and others the most.

There may still be a consequence required based on school rules, but at least the kiddo makes the connection between behaviour, choice, rules and consequences. 

Takes time and presence, but investing time now in kids seems more than worth it down the road if they can be more aware of the choices they make and the reasons behind them.

Just know that the kids you teach will likely hear the word choice and choose about a billion times during the year.